i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
