He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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