All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just gift wrapped bread.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
