i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
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I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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