dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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