While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
