while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
