can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
