I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I am morally bankrupt
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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