he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
