Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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