nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.