I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
