How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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