I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
