I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She has the best kind of daddy issues
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
