he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
