No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
