The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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