SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
