First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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