i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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