my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I had your ass I would rule the world
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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