i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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