He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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