I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
