can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
