I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
