i can't believe i had my finger in that
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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