You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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