I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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