around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
