I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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