Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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