Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
