She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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