It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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