im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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