I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
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The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Two words: nipple clamps
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