Yo dont text me then not text me
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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