so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
