At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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