bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
