the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
