That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
