apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
