I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
