i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
