Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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