Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
