I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize