this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
