I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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