I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
last night I used snow as a chaser
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