can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
