Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
