I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
