Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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