Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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