dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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