Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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