Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
