You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
