Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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