you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
