Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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