Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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